and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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