The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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