Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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