Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize