just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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