i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
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Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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