you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i drank out of a bidet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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