I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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