I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
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dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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