This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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