trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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