what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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