Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
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I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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