I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize