I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
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This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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