Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
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there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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