Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize