I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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