I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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