I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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