The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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