Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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