My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I want is dick and wine.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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