I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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