I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize