This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize