i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
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WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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