Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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