I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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