you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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