I intend to get homeless drunk
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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