I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize