my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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