i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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