My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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