I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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