i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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