i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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