Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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