If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
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That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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