Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
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I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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