my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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