she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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