my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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