I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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