I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize