my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize