No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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