Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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