Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
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Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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